Honoring a loved one during a day of celebration

This Dec. 30, 2011 photo provided by Kathryn Kalabokes shows family wedding photos that the bridal couple displayed as a tribute to their lost loved ones at their wedding reception at Bimbo's 365 Club, in San Francisco.
This Dec. 30, 2011 photo provided by Kathryn Kalabokes shows family wedding photos that the bridal couple displayed as a tribute to their lost loved ones at their wedding reception at Bimbo's 365 Club, in San Francisco.

In the days leading up to her wedding, Lauren Chertok was heartbroken. Her beloved Aunt Rosie, who taught her to make meatballs and often came over for Sunday dinners, died just two weeks before her big day, leaving her large family enveloped in sadness.

"It was hard to celebrate and be so happy when everybody was mourning my aunt and grieving her," Chertok, 24, said of her mother's eldest sister, Rosie Van Acker, the aunt and godmother who was like Chertok's second mom.

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Michael Simpson and Stacy Sloan, both cooks with Razor's Edge, a local catering service, refill food containers Friday, April 19, 2013, while tending to the self-service food line in the Mount Sequoyah dining hall at the Mount Sequoyah Retreat and Conference Center in Fayetteville.The retreat center received a $171,000 loan from the city in January 2012 to complete energy efficiency upgrades to multiple buildings, including a new Energy Star-rated roof on the more-than-50-year-old cafeteria.

Chertok felt that her aunt, who died on June 20 at age 76, would have wanted her to carry on. She did, marrying Josh Gutes as planned on July 5, a very happy day despite the raw pain.

Still, the bride, a kindergarten teacher who lives in Nesconset, New York, felt she had to do something to represent and honor Rosie at the happy celebration of her marriage so "we didn't forget what our family just went through."

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Auburn quarterback Kiehl Frazier makes a throw in practice as offensive coordinator Rhett Lashlee watches. Frazier, the former Shiloh Christian standout, struggled last season, but is hoping the new coaching staff, led by former Springdale High and Shiloh coach Gus Malzahn, will help revive his career.

Chertok pinned a small photo of Aunt Rosie to her bouquet, displayed a photo of the two of them from Chertok's Sweet 16 party at the reception, and lit a candle in her honor. The 250 guests who gathered at the Larkfield in East Northport, New York, raised a glass to Aunt Rosie, and a favorite Italian song played as well.

In ways big and small, many brides and grooms honor lost loved ones on their wedding day. The tributes, silent or overt or somewhere in between, are a good idea for those who are missing somebody important that day, said San Francisco wedding planner Kathryn Kalabokes.

"A wedding is the one time that everyone would be there, and when you've lost someone, especially during the planning process, it can be very devastating," she said. "The best thing to do is to honor them because you know that person would have been there and been a significant part of the wedding."

A tribute, though, should feel right for a celebratory day, nothing too somber or serious.

"It is important to honor that person who is close to you, but maintain the positivity and look ahead to the life change and union of two people," said Jamie Miles, managing editor of TheKnot.com.

To come up with a fitting tribute, consider your relationship with the person. What did he enjoy? What are your memories of her? "It's all about making it a personalized remembrance and what feels right to you," Miles said.

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Patty Hall, community education director for Northwest Technical Institute, right, helps Billie Vandervort, of Winslow, during a computer class Tuesday, April 16, 2013 for seniors at the Jones Center in Springdale. The class covers a few basics of computer use including personalized setting, secure web searches and anti-virus software.

Kalabokes said many couples are worried about bringing their guests down on what is supposed to be a happy day. She recommends talking with each other and with family members to see what everyone is comfortable with, so nobody is caught off guard.

There are many ways to remember a loved one, from traditional to creative and personal.

For a traditional approach, list the person's name in the program, or dedicate a poem or reading. Light a candle in his or her honor, or have a moment of silence during the ceremony. Couples sometimes leave an empty chair, often in the front row with a flower on top, as a tribute.

A popular reception tribute is the display of photos of departed relatives. A loved one's special cooking creation, say chocolate chip cookies, can be served with dessert or handed out as a favor. Or, couples can make a charitable donation in the person's honor instead of a favor.

For a more subtle tribute, a bride may stitch a memento under her gown, such as a piece of her mother's wedding gown, or wear a loved one's garter. Wearing keepsake jewelry or cuff links from departed relatives keeps them close. Or include a beloved flower, even a favorite color, in the bridal bouquet.

One bride who lost her mom about 18 months before her wedding released butterflies after the ceremony, and used a butterfly motif on printed items and the cake, said Kalabokes, owner of Dream a Little Dream Events.

"Everyone knew the mother loved butterflies," she said. "It was her thing."

Weddings are already emotional days, and thinking about someone who died may not be right for everyone. For Chertok, the tributes were a comfort.

"She did so much for me growing up and for my family," Chertok said, "that doing something to honor her meant a lot to me."

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