Dear Mr. Dad: Everyone says that as parents, we're supposed to be good role models for our kids. That sounds like a great idea, but why do so many parents (and other people) behave in such awful ways? The phrase "good role model" seems easy enough to understand, but maybe it's not. In your view, what, exactly is a "good role model" supposed to do?
A: As almost any parent knows, our kids are paying very close attention to everything we do, yes, even (maybe especially) when we think they're ignoring us. We also know that they'll imitate what we do, even (definitely especially) behaviors we might regret. But in my view, being a role model is much more about who you are than what you do.
Simply put, if you want your children to behave ethically, make good choices (tough ones included) and treat others and themselves with respect, you'll have to do more than simply behave well. You'll also need to talk. Discuss challenging issues and point out examples of good and bad behavior, whether it's at the grocery store, in a movie or TV show, a book or in someplace like Charlottesville, Va. Try to imagine what motivates people to make the choices they do and what your child (and you) would have done instead. You don't always have to agree-with each other or with the people you're talking about. Your objective is to get your children to think deeply about things before jumping to conclusions and, more importantly, to make good choices even when you're not there to guide them.
Nevertheless, what you do is still at least as important as what you say:
Be healthy. Get plenty of exercise. You can't sit in your comfy chair watching TV and complain that the kids need to be more active. Make working out a family activity. Also, eat healthy meals and help your kids do the same. If you wolf down a lot of candy bars and bacon, they'll do the same.
Be accepting (as opposed to simply tolerant). Like it or not, our world has way too many people who believe that violence and murder are acceptable ways to resolve disagreements. Pick the latest example from the nonstop barrage of awful news and talk about tolerance and acceptance of other people's beliefs and lifestyles.
No bullying. Unfortunately, we live in a world where meanness-often for its own sake-is not only accepted, but also encouraged. In most popular TV reality shows, contestants routinely say the nastiest, most hurtful things to or about each other. Why are we surprised that bullying-in person and in cyber form-is so common? Most of us are guilty of bullying, often without even realizing it. That mean-spirited (as opposed to playful) teasing of your kids? Bullying. Yelling at a waiter for messing up your order? Bullying. Kids instinctively absorb these interactions and replay them later when they're in similar situations.
Take care of others. You may think your life sucks, but the chances are very good that there are people out there who are worse off. At Thanksgiving and Christmas, food banks and thrift stores are overloaded with donations and homeless shelters and soup kitchens are flooded with volunteers. That's great, but people are cold and hungry the other 363 days of the year, too.
(Read Armin Brott's blog at www.DadSoup.com, follow him on Twitter, @mrdad, or send email to [email protected].)
Tribune News Service