So that you, my readers, understand that I also face ex-etiquette dilemmas, here's an ex-etiquette issue I recently had to deal with myself. My daughter's father and I have been divorced for years but our daughter recently asked us both to travel from California to New York City to help her get settled in the next stage of her life. She confessed she was a little afraid to make the move alone and wanted both her parents there for moral support. Her dad and I get along fine so we agreed, but traveling with an ex presents interesting problems.
First, it was strangely familiar and we laughed about the fact that it felt like time had stood still. We had both moved on, our child had gotten older, but here we were helping the child we both adored. We made a pact not to discuss the past. We were there for our daughter, period, and we stuck to that pact for the entire trip.
The most interesting issue we faced was that my daughter's father asked us not to post pictures of the three of us on social media. He has a girlfriend that felt uncomfortable with us traveling together and felt it would hurt her feelings and provoke an argument. I have remarried but my husband had no issues with the trip. I did discuss my daughter's father's attitude with him and he admitted he understood the situation-but he also felt it was like denying reality. "It is what it is," he said. "That's your daughter."
When my daughter's father first mentioned his request to me in confidence I told him I thought our daughter would be upset. I felt if her father really felt it was a problem he shouldn't go, but to go and then tell his daughter not to post pictures felt like he thought he was doing something wrong-and asking his child not to document it. It made me feel like, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," and I didn't want my daughter in the middle of that. The secrets added unnecessary drama. She just wanted her parents there for support-and to help her build a bed from IKEA. That's another story.
In reality, our daughter was hurt. Her take on it was that she hadn't had the opportunity to be with just the two of us in 5 years and she would have liked a picture. She didn't care if it was posted on social media. Out of respect for her father's request, she didn't make a big deal of the situation. She said, "One thing I've learned, Mom, is to pick your battles. I'm grateful you are both here."
Truth is, the trip was quite respectful. There were separate hotel rooms and our daughter was constantly present and stayed in my room until we left. Granted, she is an adult and some might question the need for both of us to have been there, but she asked and under circumstances, if she did, it was important to her.
This situation is a perfect example of why I caution parents who think their interaction with their child's other parent will stop when their child hits 18. Some children look to their parents for direction, validation, or moral support for their entire lives_and even if they don't, a child of divorce will most likely have children of their own and there will be similar milestones with their own children that their parents may have to attend. In other words, don't be surprised if you both end up at a grandchild's birthday party. "It is what it is, and that's our daughter." And, "Putting our kids first" is the first rule of good ex-etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of "Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation," and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.)
Tribune News Service