Broken friendship requires rest before making an attempt at healing

Over the holidays, I had an upset with my now former BFF. This is someone I spoke with every day for years and who knows my personal life as well as my therapist.

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, I discovered that my loved ones had other loved ones they were traveling to see for the holiday, so I asked my friend if I could come to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. I've had a number of holiday meals at her table and felt that inviting myself was okay and that she would welcome me with open arms. Much to my surprise, her answer was "My table is already full." She was stressed out about the meal and the prospect of hosting a lot of relatives, so I accepted her response without comment, but it did hurt. I mean, after all, it's Thanksgiving. I'd be fine at the kids table or whatever.

We continued to talk in the coming weeks and she kept complaining about the pressure her mother was putting on her to invite yet another relative to dinner. I said I was sorry that she was so overwhelmed and meanwhile decided to throw my own "friendsgiving" dinner, and I made a few calls. It worked out well, as several of my friends were in the same position. But when I shared my plans with my friend-not being a cook, I had ordered a meal from the market-she was really negative and said the turkey and rest of the food would probably be awful. I realized that there was no way she was going to let me enjoy the holiday because, for whatever reason, she couldn't allow herself to enjoy it. After a few days passed, I found myself not wanting to take her calls. And we haven't spoken since.

Yes, I am hurt and I feel a loss. We were very close, but something changed for me after that. Thanksgiving ended up being good for me, after all. Because I so much wanted to celebrate my favorite holiday with people I care about, I invited friends from all over, including some from Europe who stayed for the entire week and one who stayed through New Year's. None of this would have happened if I had not worked to make my holiday what I wanted and needed. And partly I owe my friend for not bailing me out.

There was a loss and a gain, perhaps one that will even enhance my entire life. In losing my BFF, I reconnected with several people who are important to me and remind me that I am not alone. I do have family, even if they are not blood-related and even if they are spread across the globe. I want to thank my friend for allowing me to get to this place, and I actually think she might understand.

I did tell her that our friendship was important to me and that I hoped we could get past this. Now I'll have to wait and see what happens. Pushing it would not be a good thing; it's important to give friendships a chance to rest when healing needs to take place. This is something that most people don't understand; they just cut and run. I saw it happen a lot after the election.

Long-term friendships are a gift, and they truly say a lot about you. Having life-long friends teaches you how to nurture relationships; it takes vulnerability to allow yourself that kind of closeness. I will nurture my friendships more and do my best to rekindle the broken one, but either way, I have learned and grown from this experience. If it happens to you, I wish you the same result.

 

(Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, Calif., is the author of "The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time." Follow his daily insights on Twitter at @BartonGoldsmith, or email him at [email protected].)

 

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