Like a leaky, behemoth ship steered by ragamuffin pirates as it lumbers through calm seas, so arrives the fifth and let's hope the final installment of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" film franchise.
The all-too-pretty Disney blockbuster proves itself to be ready-made popcorn fare for the start of the summer movie season and not without its small, charming treasures, but they're as fleetingly felt as the dazzling glimmer of sunshine upon the water.
Mostly, "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales" is an unbelievable, unbuckled swashbuckler about a seaward search for the Trident of Poseidon, which, if possessed, gives one power over the seas. "Pirates" is a movie with several themes, but searching is the overarching one.
And for the audience, they may be searching for an exit despite ravishing, spectacular visuals and a talented cast, most notably the great Javier Bardem as Captain Armando Salazar, who seeks that famous comic bumbler and crafty pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow.
Sparrow, we learn perhaps too late in the film in one of the few compelling action scenes, long ago doomed pirate-killer Salazar and his Spanish crew to enter the Devil's Triangle. It was a fine piece of trickery they played on Salazar. Once there, Salazar's trapped.
When he and his crew of undead do escape, he's dead set on revenge, so his search is for Sparrow. Salazar and company provide the movie's most visually interesting spectacles, such as undead sharks with which to chase our booze-swilling protagonist. The special effects here are often delightful.
Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), too, wants Sparrow because it's Sparrow who can help Turner free his father, Captain Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), who's trapped inside the sea as captain of the Flying Dutchman. Sparrow, he believes, can help him unshackle his father from this ignominious curse.
Carina Smyth (the excellent Kaya Scodelario) may be called a witch, but really she's an astronomer, savvy and plucky, and who, armed with a mysterious diary, is also looking for the Trident of Poseidon. Like the younger Turner, her story later takes an interesting twist that turns on a revelation of the familial sort.
And Captain Sparrow himself? Mostly, he seems to be searching for a purpose or the next punchline. And the next bottle of rum. His crew doesn't have much faith in him. And as the story starts, we find him snoozing in a safe, the one he's supposed to be robbing.
At this point, the role of Sparrow fits Johnny Depp like a glove, but there's no sense of surprise or delight in the proceedings, as Sparrow's now written. It's worn and tired, Depp appearing to amble through the motions at this point with the shtick. It's probably not him, but more likely the material that's outlived the original story's spark.
Ultimately, it's the poor writing that sinks the story, whether it's flat-as-the-horizon jokes, jumbled narrative pacing or jumpy plot transitions. For a comedic adventure like this movie, it's no good if you can count the number of times you laugh on one finger.
"Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales" is wild fun in some respects, but it's long past time for this pirate franchise to set sail for the sunset.