R
ichard Martin has learned a lot about grief in the last decade.
In 2009, his youngest daughter, Susanne, died of a sudden heart attack when she was only 42 years old.
Then in January of 2013, his wife, Gayle, died after a short illness. Gayle Martin was 77 and the couple had been married 55 years.
Like many people, Martin found himself in the club nobody wants to join. But he is trying to use the knowledge he has learned to help other people.
Learning his way in the world without Gayle was the start of a new journey for Martin.
"It's a new world," he said.
It's a world that many people have found themselves in after the loss of a beloved spouse.
"Everyone grieves differently but we all walk in the same shoes," Martin said.
Gayle had helped found Domestic Violence Prevention in Texarkana and had worked for the organization for about 30 years. She served as its executive director for the last 25 years and worked until just a few weeks before her death. She loved helping other people, Martin said.
One night after Gayle died, Martin saw a commercial on television for a book called "Suddenly Solo." Written by Marc Silbert and Harold "Hal" Spielman, it offered practical advice for mature widowers entering a new world.
"Many men don't know how to use a washing machine or cook a meal for themselves," Martin said. "The book gives a lot of practical advice."
Gayle had only been gone six months when Cindy Marsh, executive director of Hospice of Texarkana/Hospice of Hope, asked Martin to facilitate a support group for widowers.
Marsh had worked with Martin previously and believed he would be a good fit to lead the men's support group.
One of the first people to attend the group was Martin's old friend and co-worker Jimmy Murphy.
In a twist of fate, Martin, Murphy and Marsh had all previously worked together in the insurance business.
"And now we are all back together" Martin said.
The men's group has been meeting for about two and a half years now. They meet at 1:30 p.m. every Thursday and talk about their experiences with grief and being on their own.
"Twenty-nine men have gone through it and three out of the group have since remarried," Martin said. "Leading this group has helped me with my own grief, no question. I feel like I'm helping them."
Men are often reluctant to attend any type of grief therapy, Martin said.
"If they don't want to do it, it's usually because they don't think its macho or they don't want to show any emotion. They see it as a sign of weakness," he said.
In the group meetings, Martin gets the men to open up with each other about how they are doing, their successes and their setbacks. "I try to get them to talk about it, and if they cry, it's good for them to get it out," he said.
"People grieve internally, but mourn externally."
One of the topics is how being left solo affects a person's daily routine.
"I don't like to sit at the table by myself; everything is different after you lose a spouse," he said.
Men especially can have trouble being alone, he said.
"Statistically women outlive men but not always," he said. "Time does help but nights are the hardest when you are adjusting to living alone. And when you married, your friends are couples also and people feel they don't fit in anymore."
Anger can be a common response to a death in the family.
"I was angry at God when my daughter died," Martin said. "You never expect to outlive your children."
Martin's grief group encourages men that to move forward and shows them a person needs to create new memories with their family and friends.
He has a daughter in Chicago and son in the Dallas area who visit frequently.
"To really move forward, you need somebody to love and that does not always mean romantic love. It can be family or friends. You also need something to look forward to."