I'm sick of surveys.
I'm accosted by them no matter where I go or what I do. Somebody always wants me to rate my experience.
I book a hotel room online, they're going to send me a survey. I visit my bank, I'm sent a survey. When I visit various Websites, I am routinely asked to take surveys in order to view the contents.
This information, of course, is collected and combined over time to create a user profile that is used to target advertising at me, that will influence my buying decisions, that will make me somebody's new customer, that will inevitably generate a new survey, that I will be asked, oh so gently, to complete.
It is a never-ending loop.
George Orwell clued us in to government being Big Brother. Orwell was only half right. Bigger Brother now resides in the private sector. He is watching you. He needs you to take surveys to fill in the gaps of his knowledge so he can understand how better to manipulate you.
Political camps are always calling and collecting data by phone. Visit a discount chain, and quite likely 0n your receipt, you'll be asked to go online to fill out a survey. Maybe they've given you a loaf of French bread for you trouble, or put you in a drawing for a $500 gift certificate. (What are the chances you'll win?)
Almost always, they preface the word survey with the word short, as in, would you please take this short survey.
They almost always lie.
There is no such thing as a short survey. There is no such thing as a three-minute survey.
Maybe if you knew the questions and answers in advance, you could whip through it as advertised. But usually, they are seeking nuanced data. It's not if you are satisfied or dissatisfied, but if you are slightly satisfied, mostly satisfied, really satisfied, super duper going out of your head satisfied, or just moderately satisfied.
As if your average traveler, for example, can discern the difference between a comfortable bed and one that is very comfortable to the degree needed to rate it. As if all of us would process these subtle differences the same way. Depending on a person's background, the same hotel bed might accumulate vastly different scores from a variety of hotel guests.
Not necessarily the bed's fault.
No, survey developers generally vastly underestimate the time it takes to do a survey. Usually, they are long and tedious, traipsing from screen to screen like a personal shopping spree. Sometimes, they even provide a scale that tells you how much of the survey you have completed in real time. Doesn't it just burn you to labor for 10 minutes on the answers only to find you've only completed 4 percent of the survey?
Of course, all surveys aren't done online or by phone. Sometimes, the government representative comes to your door and asks questions about you and/or your family. Sometimes, stores do exit polling of customers.
I was leaving Disney World a few years ago and was asked to take a survey. I agreed. Bad decision on my part.
It was late, and my exhausted family stood dejectedly while I took 20 minutes to answer the questions. I can't remember what value I received doing it, but it wasn't worth it. And once you start, there is no gracious way to not finish.
I do try to do surveys I receive from academic or professional groups. These tend to be the most long-winded of all.
But it is the consumer surveys that make me the most crazy.
On Friday, I was asked by a financial institution to take an online survey. Each time I said no, it kept asking another question. It wouldn't take no for an answer. I finally just deleted the email and moved on.
Every time I go to the bank-even if it is just to make a deposit-like clockwork, I receive a survey about my experience. Unlike clockwork, it is meaningless.
A few years ago, I was buying a car. The dealership apparently was under pressure from corporate to come in with perfect 10s. The salesman told me as much. He literally begged me to provide this rating if I received a call from the company on my experience-which I did. This is not the only time someone I'm doing business with has asked me to treat them kindly on a survey.
Do you suppose this skews the results?
Now, in my world, few if any get perfect marks. Maybe that's not the real world anymore.
I've always been a bit dubious about the purpose of these surveys. Do they really help a business improve itself? Does somebody actually sort through all this data and make meaningful recommendations based on it? And how often does the data lead the collector astray because of all the different ways it can be corrupted in the collection process.
I know I don't always tell the truth on these surveys. And those that really annoy me get hit with humongous lies, like I'm 32 with an income teetering around $10 million a year. Plug that into your database, Junior!
I suspect some of these surveys are done so a company can pat itself on the back, as in, "for the 46th year in a row, we've received a 98.6 performance rating from our customers."
Okay, so what have you done for me lately?
Some of this info is probably actually used to evaluate performance, but I suspect most of it is done just to create the impression that a company cares about its performance.
I wonder if Volkswagen was doing surveys while it was cheating on emission standards?
From my perspective, here is a perfect survey:
How was your visit?
Any suggestions?
Now, the answers won't fit neatly into any predetermined box, but they would be useful.
One copy of any negative feedback should go to the local operation, and another to corporate.
They could be read by real people, who might see trends and make useful suggestions.
What do you think? a) won't help; b) might or might not help; c) might help a little; d) might help somewhat; e) would help a great deal; f) don't care.
You can complete this survey at ihatesurveys.com. It will only take a few minutes. Really. And if it doesn't? Well, you were warned.