SEATTLE-Fresh off four very long flights around the country, my feet are still tapping to the mesmerizing Virgin America video featuring a shimmying nun, a young lad with a basso profundo voice and a woman who apparently lacks joints.
All in the name of telling passengers how to buckle their seat belts and where the life vests are and admonishing smokers to abstain. Very entertaining.
Actually, with the recommendation that passengers get to busy airports three hours ahead of time for domestic flights because of long security lines, more airlines than usual are trying to have their flight attendants amuse us.
The last time this was tried in a notable way was by Independence Air, which hired celebrities such as comedian Dennis Miller and husband-and-wife political antagonists Mary Matalin and James Carville to banter back and forth about safety. The airline said it wanted to "make safety information briefings as interesting as possible." Alas, the airline folded in 2006.
These days, sometimes it's the pilots getting frisky as they point out the wonders of the Grand Canyon or the delights of San Francisco or joke with flight attendants. Sometimes it is the co-pilots who sound a little goofy, even jet-lagged.
The New York Times tracked down a Southwest Airlines flight attendant who impersonates Elvis. That could be either good or bad, depending on your mood.
But mostly, whoever has an airplane microphone reminds us that flying is all about safety and obeying the rules and not getting into trouble. Although, as we exit the plane, the pilots and flight attendants assure us that they want us to come back and hope we have enjoyed every fun-filled minute of being jammed between two traditionally built women or men and having food service run out before it gets to our row. On one recent flight, there were profuse apologies for having no working restrooms.
Flying, frankly, is way more stress than fun. It has been likened to a modern method of torture. Apparently, when a plane is full of business travelers, it's better to keep the banter to a minimum. Titans of finance like to work and have no time for joking around.
After the obstacle course that is the security line in almost any U.S. airport, sinking exhausted into your seat feels like a tremendous accomplishment.
Taking off your shoes, taking off your jacket, taking off your belt and your jewelry and your watch. Taking out your laptop. Taking out your change and your cellphone. Throwing away your $2 bottle of water. Putting your lotions and gels into a plastic bag. Having the perfume you bought for your mother's birthday confiscated because even though it is impossible to open, it contains a quarter of an ounce more of liquid than is permitted. Being manhandled after you stand, just so, in your bare feet (or in socks with a hole) and holding your hands above your head like an idiot. Realizing after you've walked 10 miles to your gate that you forgot your belt at the security checkpoint. And you've missed your flight.
So now, in what is widely expected to be a record year of summer travel, comes the Transportation Security Administration to apologize that despite years of practice, it still isn't doing a very good job keeping us safe because people are getting through security with knives and guns while lines grow longer and longer.
With the head of security fired for getting $90,000 in bonuses, the TSA says it needs more money and 5,400 more screeners. Congress is holding hearings.
I appreciate the boredom and tedium of the typical TSA job. I understand that we don't fully know what TSA employees do in keeping us safe. I appreciate their increasing efforts to be pleasant and efficient. But I do not want to hear any more of them say, "And how are we all doing this morning? Are we all in a good mood?"
No, chances are, we are not. Nearly one-fourth of those surveyed by the U.S. Travel Association said they will do whatever it takes not to fly this summer because of long security lines.
We'll wait for the good humor until we're seated and the plane is actually leaving.