The latest whopper cooked up by team Trump

WASHINGTON-My relationship with my microwave has dramatically changed.

I can no longer look at it as a convenient way to make a quick cup of coffee or tea. Now, it's an evil instrument capable of allowing outsiders to intrude my life.

I have President Donald Trump to thank for this.

Actually, the thanks belongs to one of his top mouthpieces, Kellyanne Conway, who recently made me and all American citizens aware of the lurking dangers posed by a contraption I have used faithfully since its invention, however many decades ago that may have been.

In defending her boss's so-far-unsupported allegation that Barak Obama tapped his telephone, Conway claimed microwaves are available to government spies for the purposes of eavesdropping on the average American.

Now, when it comes to technology, you could tell me anything and I would believe it, having been born when people in rural areas still used crank telephones and depended on wood stoves to cook. I am also completely unequipped for disputes revolving around technology, even though I am beginning to understand how to get my email off a smartphone.

So, despite the immediate verdict from experts that a microwave cannot be used for such purposes-unlike the TV set, as revealed by the leak of CIA documents-I took Conway's words as gospel.

When her fellow flacks and advisers to Trump rebutted the criticism of her claim by saying, "She was just joking," I didn't believe them either. After all, she is the one who discovered "alternative facts." How could one not find her credible?

I even repeatedly watched her making the statement and never saw the slightest smile or indication of humor.

If her testimony isn't enough for you, though, consider that the other morning while passing by the kitchen, I heard snippets of a whispered conversation coming from the appliances. It could just be that my paranoia, caused by too many years of investigative reporting, may be approaching the levels of Trump's.

Whatever the case, these revelations have so unnerved me I've come to regard the micro with not only a wary eye but as an infernal machine I must use only in an emergency, if even then. I've even set up a safe room with no modern devices where I can discuss my most private affairs.

I felt like lining it with tinfoil but decided that would over-alarm those who've suspected something amiss about me for some time. My significant other-quite certainly to assuage me-did acquiesce to whispering when we are alone in the main rooms. She's a nonbeliever-for now.

I did all this despite the fact that anyone listening to my conversations would be sorely disappointed, seeing as my life these days is about as exciting as counting fleas on a dog.

What I'm really writing here is a thank you note to Kellyanne and the Donald for injecting my life with a long-missing sense of wonder and for giving me vibes of incredulity I haven't felt for some time.

Russian connections, alleged domestic wiretapping of a president-elect, White House Abbott and Costello routines, executive orders that sound like they were written by a despot, daily twitters that sound like they were the work of Mickey Mouse on steroids, a budget that looks like it might be the first step to a military coup, disparagement of the courts that (how dare they) overrule bold steps against Muslims, health care that could leave millions in the lurch, the virtual shutdown of domestic and foreign programs that help the deprived, and, of course, microwave eavesdropping.

That's just the beginning. One can be sure.

What will come of all this? Probably not as much as Trump's supporters and staff would like.

The president's Republican party has begun to show some dismay about the microwave-like issues, including the abolition or makeover of Obamacare, which could become Trumpcare-a package that would extend the hand of hope to 24 million fewer Americans.

Now get out of my kitchen, Kellyanne.

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