Ex-etiquette: How to handle co-parent's bad-mouthing

Carefully clarify what is true — not by calling out the other parent, but explaining that he or she is "mistaken." (Sorapop Udomsri/Dreamstime/TNS)
Carefully clarify what is true — not by calling out the other parent, but explaining that he or she is "mistaken." (Sorapop Udomsri/Dreamstime/TNS)

Q. My ex was always verbally abusive. He would call me terrible names and never cared if the kids were around. Now that we have broken up, he's upped the ante. The kids are coming home with terrible stories and I'm confident he's saying terrible things about me to the kids. What's good ex-etiquette?

A. Good ex-etiquette rule No. 3, "Don't badmouth," reminds co-parents not to talk badly about their children's other parent at any time, but especially within earshot of the children.

Children have dual allegiances -- they know they are half mom and half dad. When they hear the negativity, they will personalize the badmouthing. They will find some way to make it their fault. "Maybe if I cleaned my room" or "Maybe if I got better grades, my parents would not have fought so much, and they would still be together. It's all my fault."

Our children love both their parents and when one badmouths the other, it asks the child to take sides. Even something as innocuous as, "Your father is just so lazy" or "Your mother is always late!" puts a child on notice. You are attacking half of them, their DNA. They can't erase it, and if you make it clear you think their other parent is a loser, they think you are saying the same thing about them.

Now let's address what to say when you child comes home with a story you know is not true. Our first inclination might be to get angry, lash out and tell the child their parent is lying. But consider what hearing that their parent is a liar -- from their other parent -- does to a child. It puts the child right in the middle, trying to discern who is telling the truth. So you have a child that goes back and forth between his parents not knowing who to trust. How can that help a child feel safe and secure?

My favorite way to handle something like this is to carefully clarify what is true -- not by calling out the other parent, but explaining that he or she is "mistaken." Then explain, in child-appropriate terms, what is true. Using the word "mistaken" isn't calling anyone a liar, it's stating that they may not have all the facts. This then allows you to fill in the blanks without getting into a tit-for-tat insult war with your child's other parent while your child looks on.

Let's say, for the sake of example, a parent was late picking their child up from school. They picked up their partner with plenty of time to spare, then headed to school but got stuck in traffic. An angry vindictive parent told the child that his parent was late because he or she wanted to pick up their new partner from work instead of pick the child up from school. The other parent could say: "Honey, your mom (or dad) is mistaken. I was on my way to pick you up, but traffic was terrible, and it really slowed me down. I love you and I'm very sorry I was late." That's good ex-etiquette.

(Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of "Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation.")

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